| Getting tarred with the dementia brush |
My mother suffered from dementia. During the two and a half years she lived with us, we sometimes faced unique challenges. Last December I wrote about an inappropriate language episode in a local restaurant. My point in writing then was that dementia can change a person in fundamental ways so that a caregiver never really knows what to expect.
The story, however, also serves as a reminder that most people don’t know much about dementia and probably don’t recognize it when they see it in a public place. Dementia can look like lots of other things. In the case of our restaurant experience, I’m sure that at least some of the people in the room thought that the loud old lady with the filthy mouth was drunk! And if she was drunk, the rest of us probably were, too!
Mom also got into a couple of fender benders before I finally took her car keys away. In at least one of those, she apparently told the driver of the other car something along the lines of, “You’d better not sue me. My son is a lawyer.” I recall a very unpleasant telephone conversation with that other driver. Mom had probably meant to say, proudly, that her son the lawyer would straighten everything out, but the other driver thought Mom had threatened him!
Some of these events make me smile now, but they weren’t funny at the time. And that’s the danger. When Mom did things that embarrassed me, I felt resentful toward her. When I felt resentful, I wasn’t at my best as a caregiver.
We did a pretty good job of learning about dementia as caregivers, but we weren’t always prepared for the ways in which people responded to Mom, and by extension to us. If we had to do it again, we would try hard to remember that clearing up misunderstandings is part of the dementia caregiver’s job.
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There are 6 Responses to “A Special Challenge for the Dementia Caregiver”
#2 KathyNC - 10 August, 4:24 PM
Dad likes to mention how fat people are (while they are in earshot, of course) when we are in restaurants. I just slide down in my seat and pretend I am invisible!
I write a blog that shows the lighter side of caring for my 79 year old Dad who has Alzheimer’s and lives with me. Please pass this link on to anyone you think will enjoy it.
www.KnowItAlz.com
my caregiver blog
#3 Pete - 10 August, 8:10 PM
Carol and Kathy,
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I remember that when my mother moved in with us, my daughter (then 16) looked at me slyly and asked, “Dad, are you and Mom doing this just to show me how you expect to be treated when you’re old?”
“Yes,” I replied. Then, after a looooooong pause, I smiled.
#4 Sue Lanza - 11 August, 3:12 PM
Some good observations on this post. One of the missing links in dementia care is continual education for the caregivers. I’m always amazed at how caregivers in the later stage of the illness are still not used to some of the behaviors they see every day.
Keep up the good work.
Sue
Nurturing Nuggets For The Dementia Caregiver
#5 Rhea - 12 August, 8:29 AM
Great point. I haven’t heard anyone else bring this up. My parents died young, but I have had other older relatives around. One of them went into a restaurant and left her car running the whole time. It wasn’t embarrassing exactly, but you get the idea.
#6 aspring - 31 August, 10:43 AM
Many Area Agencies on Aging have Caregiver Support Specialists, or know of support groups that can help caregivers continue to be educated about dementia caregiving. You can find your local AAA or Aging Services Agency here: http://www.eldercare.gov/Eldercare/Public/Home.asp
#1 Carol Bradley Bursack - 10 August, 3:00 PM
Nice article. The remark about her son being a lawyer is, in retrospect, a hoot. That must have been a horrible conversation.
People stared when I took my dad out. He had a brain injury, and his behavior could be very strange, depending on “who” he was at the moment. I had to learn to have thicker skin, but my mom could never adjust. She was humiliated.
It was so hard, because Dad had always been quiet and quite dignified. Our hearts broke for him.
Wonderful work on this blog.
Carol Bradley Bursack
Minding Our Elders