| Revisiting the story of Grace in Eau Claire… |
A couple of months ago, I wrote about a letter that appeared in “Dear Abby.” The writer, “‘Grace’ in Eau Claire, Wis.,” complained that her daughter and granddaughter were interfering in her life. I thought the letter contained a lot of red flags and that Grace and her husband needed their daughter’s help badly, but not all readers of this blog agreed.
Now it appears that readers of “Dear Abby” have been similarly divided. Letters published in the column on October 2nd generally support the point of view I expressed. Letters published on October 3rd tend to support Grace.
So, who’s right here?
I think the answer, to the frustration of all, is “both sides.” Aging parents need “just enough” help, but not “too much” help. Yet the facts of each situation are different, and the definitions of “just enough” and “too much” are infinitely slippery. This is why in so many family situations, adult siblings find themselves disagreeing strongly about what, if anything, needs to be done for their parents.
There is substantial risk involved in jumping in to help aging parents, even if you are proceeding with the purest of motives. Yet there is also substantial risk in not jumping in. This is the push-pull, damned-if-you-do and damned-if-you-don’t quality that makes family caregiving just about the most challenging thing anyone ever does. I wish I had more useful advice about how you you figure out what “just enough” help is, but I think it’s a matter of trial and error.
You start with what you see and hear. If something seems amiss, you ask a few gentle questions. If the answers you get aren’t reassuring, you probe a bit deeper. You start doing a few things, because you want to be helpful. You run to the grocery store. You mow the lawn. You start hosting family holidays and celebrations in your home “because it’s easier for everyone.” You move into doing things–like balancing Mom’s checkbook–that won’t get done at all otherwise. Before you know it, some things have become your responsibility. At the next stage, you find the need to begin asserting authority. Ultimately, you reach the point which some people call “parenting your parents.”
The wheels can come off the family dynamic at any point.
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