Carol Bradley Bursack has published an interesting article on the subject of men as caregivers. I was particularly struck with this paragraph:
Men, action and goal oriented as they tend to be, often take on the task [caregiving] as though they are dealing with something that can be fixed—something that has a logical solution. They figure they should just suck it up, or at least not complain that they are in emotional hell. They shouldn’t complain if their jobs, families, health and social life are suffering. They will often just live in denial (not that women can’t do this, too). They soldier on. Even though women caregivers aren’t getting enough support, help and services, men are even less visible, because they don’t know how to become visible—therefore they are getting even less support than women.
As a man with a lot of experience as a caregiver, I find a lot to ruminate upon here. First of all, I think the take on the male psyche is dead on. It sounds a lot like the “Knight in Shining Armor” syndrome I wrote about in this blog several months ago. It’s a mind-set that men have to move beyond to be successful caregivers.
There is also the matter of career impact. This is something men often use against each other, and I first experienced it in 1980. I was about two thirds of the way through preparing for the Maine bar exam when my daughter Elizabeth was born. My wife and I had been married for 12 years at the time, and Elizabeth’s birth (after our eight-year fertility “workup”) was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to us.
I mentioned to my father’s friend George how excited I was to be a dad finally. He smiled at me, but the smile left his face when I added that Elizabeth was my top priority and that the bar exam would come around again in six months if I didn’t pass it the first time. Suddenly George was all business. “You’re confused,” he said, “You’d better get your mind off that baby and back on the bar exam where it belongs.”
He wasn’t joking. He believed that the measure of a man was his level of material success in his working life. Period. Laboro ergo sum. I labor; therefore I am. I didn’t buy it then, and I don’t buy it now. But that’s just me. George’s views are alive and well, and they impede every man’s success as a caregiver.
There is also the business of “soldiering on.” This is a trap for every caregiver, and men seem to be particularly susceptible to it. John Wayne, after all, didn’t have to ask for help. He didn’t get overwhelmed and emotional. He didn’t complain. He stayed the course until he succeeded.
Outside John Wayne’s movie fiction, however, the world is a little different. People, men and women alike, get tired and burned out and broken-hearted. It’s important to remember that men like George, who can tear it up in the business world, can collapse in no time when faced with the challenges of caregiving–unless they can break out of the John Wayne mold and ask for the help and support that every caregiver needs and deserves.
» Share This Story
Tags: none
There are 4 Responses to “Equal Opportunity Denial for Caregivers”
#2 John A - 17 July, 7:01 AM
The way we face life challenges provides insight about how we view the world and our place in it.
From George’s perspective, your decision in ‘Spouse v. Bar Exam’ was irresponsible. From yours, and hopefully your wife’s, the concern about future career positioning was no match when compared to your family’s needs of the moment.
George would have found your subsequent decision to provide personal care and attention to a deteriorating parent to be even less understandable. Most of us are innately biased toward investing our energies only in those who have at least a possibility of a productive future.
Those with George’s world view are never willing caregivers to their elders. They treat the situation as a problem, because to them it is a problem.
The men who need your insights about the caregiving path are those who see and accept the needs of an elder, but have never developed the tools for this work. For them, you are a guide and mentor.
As for George, he still sees you the way Aesop’s ant saw the grasshopper–doomed if you don’t change your ways.
#3 Pete - 17 July, 11:47 AM
Here is the rest of George’s story.
George’s son was a high-powered professional who lived thousands of miles away. He was not available during George’s final illness. After George died, his son came home to settle the estate.
He kept everything of monetary value and for the most part threw away everything that had only sentimental value. Then he left and, as far as I know, never returned.
This has always struck me as a horrible story, but I suspect George himself would have been proud.
#4 CareShare Network - 23 July, 1:03 PM
I have not come across many articles on the male caregivers’ point of view. Thanks for this.
#1 Carol Bradley Bursack - 16 July, 4:07 PM
I happened across your mention of my article, and want to thank you for picking it up. As an elder care columnist, I get just as many qustions from men, as I do women. I think perception and fact are at odds (nothing new). Many in today’s army of caregivers are men, though it’s taking awhile for people to notice.
You have an excellent blog.
Carol Bradley Bursack
Minding Our Elders