Please give me some good advice in your next letter. I promise not to follow it.
–Edna St. Vincent Millay
I’ve always found a sort of push-pull built into being a primary caregiver for a family elder. On one hand, you want other family members to pitch in. On the other hand, you don’t want them telling you what to do. It’s a tough thing to get around because if other family members are helping they are caregivers, too. When they take on responsibility for some aspects of care, they gain the right – call it the authority – to make decisions about what the care will be.
In most cases, the person receiving care also has opinions about what the care should be. All of this can add up to a rich brew of opinions, needs, desires and responsibilities.
And resentments.
“Aye, there’s the rub,” as Hamlet says. So, what can you do as primary family caregiver to keep your head on straight? I think you have five basic choices:
- ignore other family members and go about your business - the approach suggested by the Millay quote above
- fight to get your own way - risking the revival of every single family squabble there ever was
- bend and capitulate to keep everyone else happy - perhaps breaking your own heart in the process
- work for genuine consensus - knowing that this is difficult, slow and often unappreciated
- quit being a caregiver - leaving your elder in a serious bind
All of these choices affect both you and your elder, and I think most caregivers move in and out of all of them. The easiest one to claim is probably consensus-seeking, but I suspect that may be the least common in reality. Family caregiving is high wire act no matter what you do.
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There are 4 Responses to “New Year Thoughts for Caregivers”
#2 Kathy - 12 January, 5:14 PM
Family caregiving-is that an oxymoron? I have one sister and she resents any time that caring for my parents takes from her life. It seems to me that in the majority of cases, it’s always one family member that’s left “holding the bag.” Are any of you angry, resentful, afraid to speak up and say how you really feel? Speak up and share your frustration with me and any ways that you have found to cope.
#3 Pete - 12 January, 10:15 PM
LaVeda and Kathy,
Those frustrations, resentments and anxieties are real–and important. This is why I have urged people to find caregiver support groups. A group is a place where you can talk about this stuff without worrying that people will think less of you.
Your new blog, Kathy, could serve as a sort of online support group for caregivers who don’t have access to a live group. As caregivers, we need to help each other keep going. What we do is crucially important for our family elders, and sometimes all we have is each other.
Thanks for stopping by!
Pete
#4 Kathy - 13 January, 4:27 PM
Pete,
Thanks, I’ll check out that book. My dad messed up my parents finances , forged signitures, put them in tremendous debt, etc. I think he’s faking the Alz. to avoid everyone being angry and blaming him. I often notice indiscrepancies that don’t add up. I’ve worked as a social worker in a NH for several years, so I am very familiar with the disease. Yes, it is a hell of a thing to have to work through!!!!
Kathy
#1 LaVeda H. Mason - 08 January, 3:16 PM
Absolutely true!!
It is a difficult row to hoe, all the way around, and that’s assuming that everyone who wants a say wants the best for the elder (which we know is not always true).
And that high-wire act doesn’t have a safety net!