I’d like everyone to think I’m waaaaay too sophisticated to read “Dear Abby,” but I have to come clean on that. Sometimes the letters people write really hit home. For example, yesterday’s letter from “‘Grace’ in Eau Claire, Wis.” is a beautiful example of the difficulty adult children sometimes have in getting aging parents to accept help.
Grace says that although she and her husband “Jack” aren’t as young as they used to be, she at least is still in good health. Sure, Jack has a walker, and his doctor has told him not to drive any more (although they haven’t told their daughter). It’s true Jack can’t do the gardening he has always loved, but Grace is picking up some of the slack there. Yes, Grace admits, she doesn’t keep the house as perfectly as she used to, but what’s the big deal? She and Jack are sick and tired of their daughter and granddaughter trying to interfere (her word) in their lives. Grace wants Abby to tell the kids to butt out until they (Grace and Jack) ask for help.
Now, this is “Dear Abby,” not family therapy, so you only get Grace’s side of the story. All the same, you have to wonder how Grace and Jack look to their daughter and granddaughter. Here are some red flags that jump out at me from Grace’s letter:
- “Jack’s health has deteriorated and he can no longer do much…”
What are Jack’s health issues exactly? The details make all the difference here. - “…a few dust bunnies are not a crime.”
True enough, but what else is Grace trying to “leave in the dust” here? Is there spoiled food in the refrigerator? Is the laundry basket overflowing? Has the level of general clutter in the house increased? Is Grace really carrying on as successfully as she claims? If not, what’s really going on? - “…I yelled at [my granddaugher] and told her they didn’t have the right to force their opinions on me.”
Yikes! Is this a personality change, or has Grace always been this difficult? Is this an early sign of “elder rage“? - “…my husband’s doctor told him he can no longer drive and he was given a walker.”
Why doesn’t the doctor want Jack to drive anymore? Mobility issues? Vision? Hearing? Confusion and forgetfulness? Has Jack started having trouble finding his way home? - “…I have the right to continue to live in my home as long as I wish, and the choice to move should be mine…”
“I”? Where is Jack? Grace is doing all the talking and making all the decisions. If this is something new, is she trying to cover for Jack? Is Jack suffering from dementia?
Grace and Jack’s daughter and granddaughter have a lot to monitor here, and a lot of detective work to do. I suspect that as they ferret out the truth, they will find that Grace and Jack need lots and lots of help and support.
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There are 7 Responses to “Sometimes Aging Parents Won’t Accept Your Help”
#2 Pete - 04 August, 9:28 AM
John, thanks for contributing a point of view radically different from mine! My take on the situation came from the experiences of my own family. Probably your family has followed a different path.
Whatever Grace and Jack’s situation is, however, I would hate to see Grace try to get a restraining order against her daughter and granddaughter. The response to such a petition in a family situation like this is probably a competency hearing or a petition for guardianship. It’s hard to imagine how a family could put itself back together after all that. With everybody hurt and angry, it might not matter very much who was finally declared “right” under the law.
#3 John A - 04 August, 10:09 AM
Of course court action is a horrible option–one that no one would want to use lightly. My strong stance was to emphasize that a child’s fears for what is happening to their parents does not give them the right to act in disrespect for the parents’ wishes. Besides, force doesn’t ever work–whether it is inter-family manipulation or by court edict.
Putting the family back together is something that has to be done _before_ children can participate in the life choices their parents make.
“Family” isn’t a license to dispense with either common law or common civility. Instead, it is an opportunity to do as it sounds like you did–step back from other priorities and treat aging family members as if they are important enough to deserve your involvement, understanding, and assistance.
By the way, I have the utmost respect for the gift you are giving all of us by maintaining this forum with such civility and compassion.
Thank you.
#4 Caregivers Face Problems Without Easy Answers - Caregiving Blog - 08 October, 8:51 AM
[…] couple of months ago, I wrote about a letter that appeared in “Dear Abby.” The writer, “‘Grace’ in Eau Claire, […]
#5 sherylkaras - 15 May, 10:14 PM
I had a client with this very problem today. “How do I force my mother to accept help?!” You can’t, at least not right away. As one of the readers above said so well, trust has to be earned. If the parent KNOWS her wishes will be met as much as possible and that her worldview is respected (even if you don’t like it) eventually, when things reach enough of a crisis, she’ll let the caregiver come in and help. Did I just suggest allowing things to get to a crisis? Well, we all hope it never has to get to that point but our perceptions of what is necessary may not match what our parents can and will accept. If you refuse to take over, and instead celebrate their desire to stay independent as long as possible, not only will they stay vital longer when they can, they’ll be more likely to trust and respect your opinion when the time really does comes to rush in.
#6 Wizzard - 05 August, 11:24 AM
How do I help my father who demands to come home from a nursing home? He has cancer and can not walk, stand up, go to the bathroom or dress but, insists he can handle everything. He intends to drive when home. He believes that everything will be all right if he was just home. Help.
#7 Pete - 10 August, 9:11 AM
As you already know, Wizzard, there’s no easy answer here. Your father is behaving irrationally (whether from cognitive losses or not doesn’t matter). His needs are obviously too great for you to handle at home.
So, it’s time to put your support team together and do something like a family intervention on him. The team should include one or more of his doctors, the nursing home social worker, a clergy person (if applicable), a lawyer (if he has one) and other family members, if there are any.
The points to be covered are basically these:
1. His health does not permit him to go home–he is, after all, receiving end-of-life care. His desire to be well enough to go home shows an admirable fighting spirit, but it doesn’t change the facts of his condition.
2. Even if he were well enough to leave the nursing home, there are issues involved here (incontinence, for example) that you shouldn’t have to handle.
3. His driving days are over for all kinds of reasons. Take your time here to be sure that every single reason is stated out loud. Here are three that come to mind quickly:
- How can he get into the car if he can’t stand up or walk?
- If he does get into the car, where is he going to go if he can’t get out of the car or walk when he gets there?
- What would happen in a medical emergency? (This must happen to him fairly frequently!)
4. You are his biggest ally and advocate right now, and he needs you. Therefore, putting pressure on you to do things for him that you can’t do and shouldn’t try to do is not in his interest or yours. After all, where is he if he wears you down to nothing?
Pete
#1 John A - 03 August, 8:45 PM
Pete, I’m sorry, but I’m solidly on Grace’s side in this one. The only red flag I see here is that Grace feels she is being attacked—which means she probably is. She told Dear Abby, regarding Jack’s doctor’s orders, “We have not told our children because we dread that they’ll force us to move, or worse, force me to put Jack in a home. I do not believe this would be the best choice at this time.”
It does not matter how well intentioned the offspring are if they have created this level of fear in Grace. The kids either have to re-earn her trust or start working on a court order to take legal rights from her. If I were Grace, I’d beat them to the punch with a restraining order! At minimum, I’d give power of attorney to a trusted friend before I’d leave myself at the mercy of a child with proven lack of respect for my wishes.
In my experience, the alternative to this bullying is an honest, sincere, effort to understand the aging parent’s life and perspective. With my Mom, I learned quickly that I could never provide the help she really needed until I had reestablished myself as a vital part of her daily life. As a result, she didn’t have to hide her doctor’s comments from us—my wife was with her when she heard that her eyes were no longer good enough for driving. And, she didn’t have to fear that all of her most precious activities would be taken from her when she gave up her car, because we knew what those activities were and we had made plans that would help her continue them as long as possible.
The bottom line is that no one inherits the right to their parent’s trust. They have to earn it. And, if there is not a solid trust relationship, there will be problems that cannot be remedied by force.