HometownAnnapolis.com publishes a feature called Caregiver’s Corner, written by Mary Fridley. Ms. Fridley answers caregivers’ questions and offers advice and support. Here is a letter that appears in today’s column:
I am the sole caregiver for my parents, who live independently in their own home. As their health declines they are becoming more dependent on me. They call at all hours and expect me to drop everything to attend to their needs. Last week my father called and insisted I run to the store “now” because they were almost out of paper towels.
I know this is crazy, but I cannot seem to get the courage to say “no.” I have never talked back to my parents and was raised to do as told. I am feeling very drained and starting to resent them. Do you have any suggestions?
Ms. Fridley’s advice to this writer seems sound (prioritize, learn to say no, etc.). I suspect, however, that the letter writer already knows what needs to be done, but somehow just can’t do it. The clue is in the words “I have never talked back to my parents and was raised to do as told.”
I was raised the same way, but as a caregiver I learned early on that I had to get past blindly “do[ing] as told” to be of any real use to my parents. Effective caregiving, after all, is less about being dutiful than about taking charge and making good decisions. The situation is an emotional minefield because it seems to turn a lot of the parent-child relationship on its head.
It helps to remember that when parents need care, someone will be making decisions for them. Those decisions are probably best made by someone who loves them. Even if it never gets easy, there is no way around it. As a family caregiver, you sometimes have to look Mom or Dad in the eye and just say “No.”
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