The Family Caregiver Info and Family CARE blog recently examined the concept of the all-inclusive vacation as a good choice for caregivers. It’s certainly true that caregivers spend a lot of time chasing details, and an all-inclusive vacation would take care of a lot of the details of traveling. From that standpoint, such a vacation would certainly be appealing to caregivers.
I’m a little concerned, however, by the notion that with an all-inclusive vacation, a caregiver can even bring along the care recipient and still have a vacation! I’ll confess up front that my concern isn’t based on research of any kind. Instead, it comes from something I saw when my wife and I took our first (and to date only) Caribbean cruise in February of 2002.
On the ship our tablemates in the dining room included a woman about my age and her 94-year-old father. The daughter “Ann” had been her father’s caregiver for several years at that point. The father had booked and paid for the cruise as a way of saying thank you to Ann.
The problem for Ann, however, was that she really wasn’t on the cruise. She was on the ship with the rest of us all right, but her father’s needs continued to claim her every waking hour, just as they did at home. When the seas were rough, the old man stayed in his stateroom, and he expected Ann to keep him company. When he went to bed (often before 9:00 pm) he expected Ann to be with him in case he needed something during the night.
On our last night at sea, we went to one of the lounges that had live music. Ann was sitting at a table by herself. When we noticed that she was crying, we asked her what was wrong.
“I was looking forward to this cruise so much,” she said, “but I just want it to be over. All I got to do was watch other people have fun. Seeing the two of you dancing was just the last straw. Taking care of Dad here has been even harder than taking care of him at home.”
It seems to me that for caregivers in Ann’s position, the all-inclusive vacation should also include respite care.
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There are 5 Responses to “The Caregiver Vacation”
#2 Sue - 31 May, 4:55 PM
I agree with you. A respite vacation is the best type for a stressed caregiver. Many long term care and assisted living facilities can offer such an arrangement so the caregiver can get recharged alone or with friends.
#3 Shirley - 25 June, 7:37 PM
My heart goes out to Ann.
I have been a caregiver to my husband for 6 years because he had a stroke.
Some days are like being chained with iron shackles and balls.
Other days I do get a little time to myself but I am to tired to care.
Poor Ann. Going on a vacation like that would put me over the edge of caregiver burnout.
Just think, such a nice vacation still chained to her father.
Sometimes the chains have to come off so we caregivers can have a normal day in our life.
I always say caregivers are owners of a nursing home. We are the key holders. We are the staff. We give medicaions without a license.
No one enters the door to help us . We lose our friends, and family members give us heartache.
Ann didn’t get vacation time; she just relocated her nursing home to the ship. Shirley
#4 Pete - 26 June, 11:35 AM
Shirley, I hope you are connected to a caregiver support group of some kind. The members of a support group understand exactly what you are up against every day. In the group, you meet people with whom you can express everything you feel without fear of criticism or judgment.
I’ve done a lot of different things in my life, and being a caregiver was hardest of all.
#5 Patrick Toal - 11 July, 8:25 PM
I coordinate Caregiver Stress Management Cruises and this topic comes up every single year. We have had couples dealing with Alzheimer’s Disease (like Joan Gershman, founder of The Alzheimer’s Spouse website) on past cruises. She talks about this on her blog. On one of the cruises last year we had 5 couples. I was very apprehensive about it, but it actually went quite well (for me that is).
Over the years, I have worked with persons living with various forms of dementia, have co-facilitated Couples Support Groups and was the Executive Director of an Alzheimer’s Care Center and co-authored a book on AD. So, on one of our cruises last year, we decided to offer a support group meeting for the care partners with memory impairment. After the workshops and some of the other activities for caregivers were over, we facilitated the group. This appeared to go very well and did allow for an hour of respite for the caregivers.
However, I think that the entire cruise experience created extra work for the caregivers. And this would defeat the whole purpose of the cruise experience and we strongly advise against it. We do our best to help caregivers find resources in their area before the cruise. We also talk to them about ways to approach family members to ask for their help while you take a “time out.” We will even help them make the call.
The primary purpose of the cruise is to promote interaction with other caregivers onboard, sharing stories, and offering helpful strategies for optimizing caregiving at home. This is hard to do when you are acting as the primary caregiver at the same time.
On one of our cruises, after the workshops and some of the other activities for caregivers, we offered support group meetings for the care partners with memory impairments. This also went appeared to go very well. However, it can be still be disorienting and confusing for those who are even in the very early stages of AD. This can make a lot of extra work for the caregivers and we strongly advise against it and do our best to help caregivers find resources in their area of the US. We also talk to them about how to approach family members to ask for their help while the caregiver takes a break. It’s not easy to leave your loved one, but the rewards can make all the difference in the world!
#1 Carol Bradley Bursack - 31 May, 12:50 PM
The timing of this piece made me smile. I’d just been asked by a writer to give some hints about traveling in a multi-generational group. While I did give tips to help such a trip succeed, I truly have doubts about it being a real vacation.
The story you told hits the bulls-eye. A caregiver will never have a real vacation, if the care recipient goes along. That is as effective as taking your boss with you when you take your vacation from a business position.
Ann’s tears brought tears of sympathy - and empathy - to my eyes. Your suggestion that respite care be included is a good one. Even then, the caregiver has a hard time letting go of worry. But at least he or she will have a little break from the physical side of it. Good post! Thanks.