| Remembering the vacations not taken… |
Caring for an aging parent or other family elder involves making sacrifices. Everybody knows that. But people who haven’t been caregivers probably don’t know what the sacrifices can feel like, day to day and month to month. Caregivers, for example, very often sacrifice summer.
My mother (we called her “Gram”) lived with us through three consecutive summers. During those years, when our daughter was in high school, there were no real vacations for us. On two or three occasions we were able to find someone who would stay with Gram while we left for a weekend, but that was it.
We faced two difficulties.
On one hand, it was usually hard to arrange for respite care unless we planned for it well in advance. We couldn’t afford paid, professional respite care, so even more planning was involved for us to find a friend, neighbor or other family member willing and able to take on the job. And we hated to ask the same person twice.
On the other hand, we had to pay attention to Gram’s feelings. In the beginning, she seemed to understand that her physical limitations meant she couldn’t participate in everything we did. As her dementia progressed, however, we had a harder time explaining things to her. She never complained out loud, but her expression sometimes seemed to say, “Sure, leave the old lady at home while you have fun.” The result was that we took less and less time for ourselves.
When Labor Day rolled around, I more than once found myself thinking, “Another summer slips away. How long, O Lord?” I found that when I tried to explain how I felt, people would often say, “Well, all you had to do was ask. Why didn’t you call me?”
These offers were probably sincere. Our friends and family understood that we needed to get away, but they didn’t seem to understand Gram’s sad resentment at the thought of being left behind. With the power of hindsight, however, I think we were the ones who didn’t understand it. Gram’s resentment was a product of her dementia. It really had nothing to do with us or the way we took care of her.
For the last year she lived with us, Gram was just about 100% dependent upon us. The stakes were high for her. We owed it to her as well as to ourselves to take better care of ourselves.
» Share This Story
Tags: none
There are 2 Responses to “When a Caregiver Says Goodbye to Summer”
#2 Heather - 21 October, 9:39 AM
Mom and I took our first vacation in years last year. We drove through Canada for a week. This year we went on a cruise. We are specifically making sure we get our vacations now. Else, we’ll murder someone. Grandma goes to her favorite daughter’s home for the week we’re gone and everybody’s happy. Actually, said favorite daughter has asked if Grandma wants to go down to her house for a weekend each month to give all three of us a break from each other. One weekend a month off? Heaven.
And yet, those times when Grandma is really Grandma are priceless. Thanks for the story.
#1 Kristi Gott, caregiversbeacon.com - 26 September, 7:32 PM
I can relate to the situation of denying ourselves some rest or a vacation when we need it. Feeling guilty over enjoying ourselves when someone else cannot participate makes the caregivers stay home too. Thanks for your story about your Gram. Kristi