| If you don’t want to do it, please don’t try it. You know who you are… |
I just finished reading an angry and dismissive blog posting on the subject of aging parents and caregiving. If you’re curious, you can find the post by copying the following URL and pasting it into your browser’s address bar:
http://chutemethrough.blogspot.com/2007/11/websites-on-aging-totally-inadequate.html
I’m not adding a live link (and the “link love” that goes with that) for reasons that should become obvious.
The blogger, named Laurie, has no children of her own—apparently by choice—and clearly resents everything she had to do to help her mother relocate to an assisted living facility. As I understand it, Laurie believes her mother should have known how distasteful she (Laurie) would find being asked to help out. Laurie seems to think her Mom should have made all arrangements for all possible contingencies years in advance so that Laurie wouldn’t have to look up from her résumé even for a minute in her mother’s time of need. Please take a moment to think about that.
All done thinking? Then here’s a pop quiz: do you agree with Laurie? If you do, you aren’t breaking any law. If anyone ever asks you to become a caregiver, however, you should probably decline. In any case, if you agree with Laurie everything written in CaregivingBlog is a waste of your time. You may leave now…
OK, the rest of you should know that I grew up watching my parents help their parents. They did it out of love and because it seemed like the right thing to do for the people who had brought them into the world. They did not resent helping out. My parents didn’t preach these values; they lived them. As a result, their attitudes about caregiving became mine. My wife feels the same way. Our daughter grew up watching us help our parents through the years as needed. My mother, for example, lived with us for two and a half years when she could no longer safely live alone. We cared for my wife’s mother following her hip replacement surgeries, and at some point in the future she will probably come to live with us. Further down the road, our daughter will probably step in to help us.
As I have said many times in this blog, being a caregiver is hard work. The hours are long and the responsibilities can seem infinite. Everyone approaches caregiving with some apprehension. Come at it with anger and resentment, however, and you will almost certainly do it badly. Aging parents deserve better.
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There are 9 Responses to “Not Everyone Can Be a Caregiver”
#2 Mage Bailey - 10 November, 10:14 PM
Nope, I didn’t want to be a caregiver for my mother, and she certainly didn’t ever want my help or presence. When our gregarious friend Duck suddenly became very disoriented, here our help and caring were wanted and appreciated.
Now Duck is in a nursing home, and we are the only friends who visit him. Yes, just this much is tiring day after day, but because we visit we know his care is better. Vastly better. No, not everyone can be a caregiver, but I am so grateful that we are wanted in Duck’s life.
#3 Pete - 11 November, 12:36 PM
Susan,
Here in the USA, family caregivers (however they identify themselves) are pretty much on their own. That may change as Baby Boomers pass through the ranks—first as caregivers, then as care recipients.
Best wishes to you, your family, your friends and your neighbors. Thanks for stopping by!
Mage,
Thanks for contributing a different point of view. Your friend Duck does indeed benefit from your involvement. In the final months of my mother’s life, she lived in a nursing home. Her dementia had progressed to the point where she was mostly unable to remember people who came to visit her. We supplied a “Visitor Book” and encouraged her visitors to write in it to give her little things to read. I’m sure it helped her to remember that there were people who cared about her.
Pete
#4 clipmuses » Blog Archive » Not Everyone Can Be a Caregiver - 13 November, 3:19 AM
[…] here for full […]
#5 fern - 13 November, 3:23 PM
thanks for reading my blog…..i am going to put a link to your blog on my blog……….
fern
http://fernals.blogspot.com
my ALS blog
#6 Leanta - 21 November, 2:11 AM
I have a friend who lives about 10 minutes away from me, and over the last 6 months her mother (who also lives quite close by) started to decline mentally and physically. My friend did not want to be put in the role of ‘caregiver’ and therefore carried out tasked for her mother grudgingly. These included simple tasks such as shopping and keeping her company every so often.
It became obvious her mother needed more help around the home with tasks such as cleaning, cooking and bathing, but my friend was too ‘busy’ to help out. Her mother was eventually placed in a home.
My friend now spends her days sat indoors, watching TV and eating pizzas complaining about how bored and lonely she is.
#7 Pete - 21 November, 7:36 AM
Leanta, thanks for stopping by. Your friend’s story is a common one.
Joni Mitchell sang it years ago:
Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got
Till its gone…
#8 joanna cowell - 01 December, 7:28 AM
My husband seems to have been put in the role of caregiver. I am 70 and my organs work fine but my knees, shoulders, feet, etc. are pretty well shot by arthritis. Lee is wonderful to me and he and I are very comforted by the knowledge that Lifeline is around my neck and ready to get help for me, allowing Lee to get away from the house every day and even overnight. We also have 2 children who live in our town and they pitch in.
I can do most chores but I fall several times a month and because of my knees I can’t get up. Frustrating. I hate to think what caring for me could become in 6 - 8 years. I have told my kids that they need to put me in a nursing home when it comes time (whatever that is). I’m sure I will object but they know that in my heart of hearts I want them to live a full and unencumbered life if possible. Hope I feel that way in a few years. I will keep in touch with this site and if I can ever get my husband to cuddle up to the computer he will find this site useful.
Joanna
#9 Pete - 03 December, 4:28 PM
Joanna,
Thank you for sharing your story. You speak with authenticity and wisdom. I wish more people in your situation (on the receiving end of care) would chime in here.
#1 Susan - 10 November, 6:27 PM
I’m in a support group for caregivers, and our biggest challenge is outreach: nobody wants to identify themselves as a caregiver, but only as a daughter, a father, a sister, etc…Family helping family is what they see it as.
It frustrates me, of course, because there are so many entitlements and resources these folks could receive if they asked for them. But now, after reading your blog (and your linkless link, which frankly stood my hair on end with its heartless self-centeredness), I’ll count us all lucky, that our friends and neighbours think it’s nothing extraordinary at all, to be looking after family, no matter how hard that gets.
Thanks!